A book review of Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living For You by Meg Josephson, LCSW
Stars: *****
Gallery Books (2025)
Self-Help
304 pages
Disclosure: I received this book in exchange for an honest review. This post contains affiliate links.
Summary: Are you…
– Constantly worried about what people think of you, if they like you, if they’re mad at you?
– The eldest daughter and/or the angry daughter?
– Anxious, a perfectionist, or an overachiever?
– Always overextending yourself (and then resentful)?
– Someone who avoids conflict at all costs?
– Fearful of getting into trouble or being seen as “bad”?
– Silencing your needs for the comfort and happiness of everyone else?
– Prone to overexplain or over apologize?
– Eternally obsessing over why someone texted with a period instead of an exclamation point?
Psychotherapist Meg Josephson is here to show you that people-pleasing is not a personality trait. It’s a common survival mechanism known as “fawning”: an instinct often learned in childhood to become more appealing to a perceived threat in order to feel safe. Yet many people are stuck in this way of being for their whole lives. Are You Mad at Me? weaves Josephson’s own moving story with that of fascinating client stories and thought-provoking exercises to show you how to:
– Identify all the roles you might play—from peacekeeper to performer to caretaker to lone wolf to perfectionist to chameleon—that keep you far from yourself.
– Stop fearing your thoughts and emotions, even if they’re unpleasant.
– Rethink conflict and boundaries as an opening for deeper connection.
– Practice “leaning back” in relationships.
– Recognize when people-pleasing is actually necessary (with your chaotic boss) and when it’s not (with your close friends) and stop self-loathing when you slip into old patterns.
– Shift away from the familiar chaos, anxiety, and resentment you’re used to as you move closer to yourself and a life that no longer depletes you—but brings you joy.
With Josephson’s “lucid prose and smart mix of clinical expertise, personal disclosure, and pertinent case studies” (Publishers Weekly), Are You Mad at Me? will help you shed the behaviors that are keeping you stuck in the past so that you can live in your most authentic present.
Are You Mad at Me?
This book is touted as the “cure for chronic people-pleasing” by another author and while I can’t say it’s a cure just by reading it (you have to implement and practice everything), I do agree that’s who it’s for.
Hello, my name is Kathleen and I’m a chronic people-pleaser. I’ve asked “Are you mad at me?” too many times to count. Especially earlier in our relationship. However it’s been 20 years and I still worry that my significant other is angry at me just because he doesn’t look happy. It’s not always about me, I know that, but it’s hard to quelch that anxiety.
The author explains WHY we wonder that and WHAT we can do about it. It’s a longer book but chock full of advice. I recommend reading slowly, without interruptions and with a highlighter or sticky tabs. Even if you don’t get a lot of uninterrupted time (young kids perhaps) read bits at a time or arrange a sitter so you can hunker down in your room or a hotel room to concentrate. Speed reading this book is not going to fix anything. You need to take what you read and apply it to your life. This takes practice.
The only thing that confuses me is why I specifically do this. The book takes it back to trauma from childhood, specifically a certain kind and I don’t recall every going through that. The closest I can come is issues I had at school with other people. I’ll have to contemplate on that more.
It’s such a good book I’m passing it on to another person who I think could benefit from it’s advice.
Buy Are You Mad at Me? from Amazon.com